I can calm myself down from anything at this point by taking a deep breath and telling myself that it doesn't matter. But whenever I remember all that I did to you, how I pushed you a way, how I hurt you all year long. That does matter. Even though its in the past, I'm still living it now. I'm always going to live it. Your gone. Forever. There no bringing you back. If I get better you'll still be gone, if I die you'd never look for me, its over. There's no point in fighting against this anymore. It doesn't matter. I ruined everything. Its all my fault. This is just something that will hurt forever. This is why I want to kill myself.